An Andy and Opie sort of thing

The Floyds of the world are slowly disappearing. Barbers don't ware white jackets anymore, they don't know your name, who your parents are, where you work or even what grade your in. A Barbershop is not even called a Barbershop anymore, it's a Salon and they are all full of female barbers who have caused disastrous impacts on society by creating divorce and dead beat Dads. I can't think of one good reason a man needs to go to a Salon.
Every few months I walk past the DeSpain Barbershop. It is on Main Street in a small Hill Country Town where real men still get their hair cut by real barbers. Just walking by the place the testosterone level will almost take your breath away. The barber chairs are made of white porcelain with leather seats. I'll even bet there is a stack of Newsweek, Sport Illustrated and hunting magazines in a pile on an end table.
It has been a very long time since I've been in a Barbershop like DeSpains or had a neck trim with a straight razor with hot shaving cream running down my neck. Unless they shave my head for brain surgery I don't think I'll ever have short hair like I did while I lived with my parents or even a reason to go to a real Barbershop
The closest I'll ever come to a Barbershop like DeSpains is when I am standing next to a barber pole or looking inside the Barbershop as I walk by. I am too old for that Andy and Opie thing to ever happen again but before I die I'll find a barber like Floyd and let him give me a neck trim with a straight razor and ask him to let the hot shaving cream run down my neck and into my collar.

Small Town USA

I never liked living in a small town. The ambiance or what everyone called ambiance was non existence. I hated the history even more. I am not really talking about the history of buildings per se although there is that and I liked it. It's the history that native town folk use to describe everything and everyone. Giving directions is a perfect example. "Go down Main street or what ever it's called, turn where the old grocery store used to be, turn left where the preacher used to live and go till you see the house with the yellow trim, then turn right there"
Then there is history used to explain odd behavior. Bill's Uncle Tom was just like that, he ran off with the preacher's wife. It's no wonder Bill left his wife and married his neighbor's wife.
Another history is every one's daily history. Say you need a hammer. You go to the hardware store where you see a sign that reads "Gone To Lunch" tapped to the front door of the hardware store. You know that the owner of the hardware store always eats lunch at the town cafe but when you arrive at the cafe you don't see the store owner. The cook knows you are looking for the hardware store owner because you are asking questions to the two carpenters setting at the counter. The cook tells you the hardware store owner has already come and gone. On your way driving to the hardware store you see the owner of the store and the two of you stop your cars in the middle of the street to discuss hammers. Cars go by on either side and nobody honks their horn. No one pays any attention to two cars stopped in the middle of the street, it an everyday occurrence.
I look back on the life of living in Small Town USA and wonder what outsiders thought of us. I don't think you can find humor in small town happenings without knowing the history three generations back and understanding that "History" is probably the result of everybody being related one way or another. Did I mention that history was my favorite subject in school while living in Small Town USA? I wonder if that was just a coincidence?

Pigs of Time

The Democratic Party has recaptured control of Congress after twelve years of treading time. They arrived at this moment mainly because George W Bush lost a war most people have come to believe should have never been fought. The Democrats should be mindful of what Shakespeare once said "Tis more by fortune than by merit".
The long anticipated first 100 hours of the Democratic led 110th Congress is now officially underway. The Democrats have already cleaned up Congress, ending the link between lobbyist and legislation. They have committed to pay as you go, no new deficit spending. They have implemented the recommendations of the bipartisan 9/11 commission. They have raised the minimum wage. They will fix the Medicare presciption drug program by negotiating lower drug prices. They will broaden college opportunity, cutting interest rates on student loans in half. They will cut subsidies for Big Oil. They will fight any attempt to privatize Social Security. The Democrats have introduced all this legislation on the first day of Congress and will pass it within the first 100 hours. They have pledged to restore America's faith in the future with a new direction for America.
The Democrats are treating their agenda for change as if it were a gallon of milk with an expiration date. If the milk spoils, the hour glass will be returned to the position it has been for the last twelve years and once again all the rich fat pigs will push the poor skinny pigs away from the feed bucket.

Will the real Paris Hilton please stand up

I am so glad that rehab was not the standard answer to everything when I was 20. Yes I drank and drugged hard and long into many nights but I have no regrets. Twenty years later if I said it once I said it a hundred times " I don't have a problem with drugs and alcohol "
The only question I would like to ask Miss America is where are you going to AA? I want to go to those meetings. Maybe you can be a role model for Alcoholics and drug addicts but stay away from young girls. A bimbo with an eating disorder that can chug shots while snorting coke is no role model. Beauty pageants are not about crowning role models anyway, their about teaching women how to make money with their bodies. Miss Nevada did you hear that? You got zero dollars for all those so called party pictures someone took of you. The Nevada pageant officials realized the worth of the pictures and classified them as porn. Now you are the Ex Miss Nevada and you still have zero dollars. Once a bimbo always a bimbo.
Miss America, run as fast as you can. Tell the Donald to put it where the sun does not shine. Go out and buy some condoms, do all the shots you want, smoke a doobie or two and even eat some mushrooms before you settle down. They are only carting you off to rehab to make you reform. I don't know of any 20 year olds who have ever been reformed. Just don't lose my phone number! When you turn 40 and began to realize you might have problem, call me I'll be your AA sponsor.