Barbecue Expert

Lots of people will be barbecuing on July the 4th but only a few know how to do it correctly. True Barbecue is very complex. Its a slow method of cooking meat in an enclosed space with low indirect heat and smoke. The best BBQ emerges from the pit still moist and tender even after cooking 18 hours. The meat has a flavor of smoke, fat, meat juices, and spices that have been rubbed, soaked, mopped or injected into it.
I have never had the patients to cook something 18 hours. Maybe that's why I do not know the first thing about Barbecuing. I want to eat within 20-30 minutes after starting the cooking process, that why I stick to grilling burgers. I figure that kind of cooking is relative harmless because the only thing I need to do is keep from setting myself on fire when I light the charcoal. Barbecue Purist call my kind of cooking a "Sissy Fire". Just because I use a fork and knife to eat my grilled meat instead of the hands the experts use, does that make me a sissy? Texas BBQ experts have no use for sauce and neither do I, that fact alone should qualify me to be at least half a BBQ expert. I have been to a few Barbecue Cook Offs and as far as I can see one need only three things to become a Barbecue Expert. #1 Folding lawn chair #2 A koozie #3 Plenty of beer to put into the koozie. I can buy all three of those items at WalMart! So before I go to the next BBQ Cook Off, I'll stop at WalMart and buy myself a Barbecue diploma.