The Walls Of Despair

     Last month I became another year older.  Usually I don't give birthdays a lot of thought but the closer I get to becoming a senior citizen, the age calendar becomes more and more important.  Aging brings a lot of challenges.  No matter how positive a person is or how good they think they are, despair  is always a possibility sooner or later.  If life is going good, despair is almost invisible but if life is going bad, despair can rush at you with Warp speed.
     How are we to defeat despair when it rears it's ugly head?  The first half of my adult life I fought that battle in secret.  Always feeling life was forced upon me and always feeling as if potential was just around the corner.   The battle seemed to drag on for years.  Clearly not in the present but frequently in the past, regret seemed to always play a big part in my life.  Looking back it was all that regret that kept me from achieving happiness and for a long time I felt betrayed by potential.  I was confused by potential, thinking it equaled physical achievements and monetary gains.  Years went by before  finding out I could have good friends without earning a fantastic living.  Eventually I came to believe  that happiness was not based upon physical achievements and monetary matters  or that a successful relationship did not define who I was.
     Despair, yes I still battle it every once in awhile but not nearly as much and often as I used to.  Coming to terms with my alcohol abuse and the treatment that followed instilled a giant sense of gratitude, a weapon I use more than anything else when it comes to battling despair.  Poor Poor Me vs Gratitude will always be an epic battle, even for the strongest of the strong.  It's all to easy to wave the white flag and surrender to despair  but take it from someone who's tried just about everything before finding happiness.  Live life for yourself and no one else even as all those  self-centered characterizations come your way   Self-centered I am but at least I'm true to myself and happy.
     All of us who have fought the battle work hard at convincing  ourselves that no one understands.  We never really hear what people are telling us even if deep in out hearts we know there right.  Despair is painful and sometimes even deadly so it's extremely important to use every weapon at our disposal.  No matter how painful some of those changes in life may be, choices have to be made.  The excuses of  "no one understands" may help you survive the battle but you will never win the war.  Only gratitude and being true to thine self can destroy the Walls of Despair.