Years of Addiction

For years the most complex problem I had to deal with was my drinking problem. Every morning when I awoke I knew I would take a drink sometimes that day and the sooner the better as far as I was concerned. My first thought of the day was that I would be home by 5 PM and I could start drinking but I rarely made it to 5 PM before I started. I usually managed to be three fourths pickled by the middle of most afternoons. On the weekends it was pretty much non stop although I tried to somewhat contrail my drinking on Sundays because I did not want to feel like crap for start the work week every Monday morning.
I still don't know how my friends put up with me. Maybe they tolerated me because they were all drunks just like me and all they really cared about was getting all the booze they needed without any repercussions. Addicts of any kind will befriend anybody in their quest to change the way they feel.
Like all addicts, I earned a PhD in denial. I figured I was smart enough to finesse a sophisticated disguise and stay on an even keel, addiction and all. Over the years that disguise wore thin. Even in denial it became apparent that I could not pretend alcoholism was not happening or excuse myself one last time for some of the crappy things I said and did. The worst part of my alcoholic life was that I knew what I was doing and saying. I just didn't care because I always thought things were never my fault. If I had enough booze in me I could find fault in Jesus Christ. After every one of my screw ups I always felt like an idiot, hoping it would never happen again.
As my ability to handle booze diminished over time, I needed more of it and more time to consume it. I just wanted to walk through life drinking all the way. I knew I was not fooling myself but I still thought I was fooling every one else. Living that double life took tremendous mental energy just to starve off the inevitable crash and burn that every addict encounters. When I finally crashed and hit my bottom I not only saw the writing on the wall, the writing completely covered up the wall.
I was 47 years old when I came to that inevitable fork in the road. A fork that was fueled from a booze filled incident that had gotten me into a lot of serous trouble. I'll never forgot staring at that fork in the road, wondering if I had the determination, guts and even the balls to make such a drastic change in my life. The writing on that sign post was as clear as the writing on the wall I had starred at. Fortunately I did have the determination, guts and balls so tomorrow I celebrate 10 years of sobriety.
I am one of the lucky few who chose the right direction when encountering that fork in the road. Sobriety has given me chance at living a healthy, decent, stable and good life. Will I be sober 10 years from now? I sure hope so but I really don't know because sobriety is one day at a time!